I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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