I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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