I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
