I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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