we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
