how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
