He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
