I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
