dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
