every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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