Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
