Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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