Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
