The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
