I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
