I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
