Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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