My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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