my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
