Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
