Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
