how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
