i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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