At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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