omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
