I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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