So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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