so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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