I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
