I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
