you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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