Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
