a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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