70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
