the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
