How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
