Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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