Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
