So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
