This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
