Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My legs feel like baby dolphins
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
