Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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