It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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