thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
