Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
