So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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