morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
