im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
