all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
