I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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