its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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