so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Come see our sink grown plant.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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