Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
