this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
