I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
