She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
